‘What if..’ is a risky game. Easy to play. Just a little imagination, a hope or a twinge of regret and you are good to start. And what more, this is a game that needs no more players. It beats playing solitaire any day. It’s a game I end up playing almost everyday, unwittingly. I always lose.

The anger I can handle, the indifference just makes me cry.

I never use bookmarks. And I never remember the page I left the book at last. So I invariably end up reading the last few pages again. It does not bother me. I like it, in fact. In my mind, the story could not have paused at where I left. I can’t start afresh from that very point. I need to know what happened before.

I don’t bookmark my past either. To me a memory is never just the moment. It’s not just a fight, but also the day before the fight of building of the tension and the make-up after the fight. Not just a kiss, but playing a favourite CD on the system and switching on the romantic lamp-lights, the touch of the hand on the cheek and the look in the eyes before the kiss.

Perhaps I don’t believe in defined beginnings or endings. Just random snatches defined by chance.

Is there just a difference of an ‘m’ and an ‘n’ in Commendable and Condemnable?

I have been getting nightmares. Not the nicely scripted nightmares that really scare you but the cheap B-Grade Horror Movie type that gross you out. And they’re haunting me, these nightmares. Every time I sleep, I get them. The same images. A doll, (Yes, like the one in Child’s Play. Only, cheaper looking. Like those Chinese ones you get in Dollar Shops), a vampire-like creature (with bad make-up), scared people (with me among the scared ones). A fight between the Good and the Evil. Good conquers. But somehow, you know that Evil shall be back, in the sequel.

Even in my dreams I am unable to churn out something original. How pathetic is that! Whatever happened to creativity? This is not a writer’s block. It’s a whole damn city.

Today, after a long long time, I feel the sudden urge to write. There was a time when I wrote frequently. It was not really an effort. I wanted to write. For the past few months I have not felt like writing. I have posted a few times but it has been more out of the habit of the past two years. Today I want to talk.

There has been a lot going on in my life. There have been too many ups and too many downs. In April-May, I finally managed to do a one-month back-packing trip in Europe, my dream of many years. That was wonderful. I came back to see my dog waste away till we finally put her to sleep in June. Perhaps one of the saddest times in my life.

My father got transferred to Bombay and the four of us (Mamma, Papa and my brother) got an opportunity to live together again. A high. My father and brother had operations (major and minor respectively). A low.

Professionally things were good, I got promoted. A high. Didn’t get as good a raise as I expected. A low.

My friend’s marriage got fixed. A high. Two of my friends’ marriages broke up. A low.

A very very old friend of mine (my best friend in school) got back in touch with me after a gap of more than 10 years. A high. I lost a friend who thought that since we did not have perfect understanding between us, I should ‘move on’. A low.

Tell me, is there anything called perfect understanding? I have not had that with anyone in my life. There are just some people I relate to better. But perfect understanding? Never. Even with my father, who has seen me grow up, I have misunderstandings. And that, when I am so close to him. Aren’t misunderstandings a part of relationships? It is up to the two individuals to decide that the relationship matters to them and to make an effort to understand each other better. Somebody tell me what this perfect understanding is. Does it exist? If yes, where am I going wrong?